There are 5 steps I use that have changed the way I deal with haters, forever. As I share my story, experience and knowledge with you, I am confident that by the end of this article you will have a better understanding about the psychology of a “hater” and how you can turn their negative energy into motivation towards your career and happiness. This information is important for two major reasons. To help keep you on track, headed towards your goals and to really understand that their response is NOT about you. (References to sources throughout article including bullyingstatistics.org, The National Domestic Violence Hotline Site and Wikipedia. )
Definition of a Hater?
Wiki states: “Haters are identified as people who offer solely negative criticism to others, without justification. Haters deal in negative cognitive bias, prejudicially arriving at a conclusion first and then drawing in their reasons afterward, refusing to alter their conclusion with exposure to the opinions of others. Haters are frequently thought of as imposing their self-hate on others.”
Simple. Think about people that are grumpy. What do they want? Some company. Sometimes they do this by sharing that negativity. Other times they do it to bring others down to their level by shaming them. Think about a happy, healthy person. Do they take joy in bringing down others? No. Generally, they want to lift people up.
What’s the big deal with haters anyways?
When you take a look at an abusive partner in a relationship you see a person that must be in control over their victim. Going to great lengthens of emotional, verbal and sometimes physical abuse, the goal is to make their victim feel worthless, while convincing them that they deserve the poor treatment they receive. (See source “abusive partner”) This is a pattern you see in bullying. It is say that these abusive relationships start off like sunshine and lollipops. But like a slow emotional poison they implement their stance on their victim. Sometimes the abused gets a clear enough head to see what’s really going on and gets away from the abuser. Unfortunately in the most several cases the abusers will continue to try and harass the original victim, stalking them after the relationship ends.
Online Harassment VS. Abusive Relationships
Call it what you want to call it, it’s Cyber Stalking (See source) and it’s illegal. The trouble with both public and anonymous harassment, is that it’s like living with an addict or abuser. “Will this be a good day or a bad?” Never knowing when they may hit again can become emotionally exhausting and extremely stressful.
Understanding the psychology behind the hater’s motives: We’ve establish that their real goal is to feel in control and superior over you. They do this by trying to make you feel poorly about yourself with their words, pictures and even videos. It’s like an addiction to hurting people. They only get off and feel better if someone feels horrible about themselves or think they might.
Think about that for a moment:
Could you imaging living like that? Never being able to be happy for another person, because you want what they have? You feel they are above you and want to bring them down to your level. Instead of accepting it and using it as motivation to do more in your life, you sought out people that have the things you want and troll them. You want them to feel pain, something you don’t want to cope with let alone admit that you are experiencing.
It’s not about YOU:
If you’re suddenly feeling empathy for that jerk that just trashed you, you’re not alone. By now you’ve probably realized that your “hater” has some deeply seeded issues. With a grip on reality you’re able to appreciate your blessings. While people that struggle with their perception in life can have a great deal of trouble. I am talking about that kid/teen/adult that is hiding behind a computer and possibility bullying you too. He or she may be desperately trying and hold on to the one thing they feel they have control over. The thing distracting them from their failures and self-hate. It does not sound like a very rewarding life to me. How about you?
How do we fight the hate?
The natural reaction is to be hurt, upset, angry or even outraged. What we do with that energy, is where the power comes into play. We do not have control over the other people in our lives but we do have control in how we respond.
How do I turn that HATE into some motivating power?
- First, BE MAD! It’s a normal reaction and you don’t have to feel bad about it. Seriously get angry if you like, tell your partner, your Mom or your best mate (that you trust to keep to themselves) what kind of dick-hole this person is. Hell, draw a picture of this jerks house, pretend he is in it and then set it on fire. (Not for real, just the picture.) LOL.
- Give yourself a time limit. Maybe it’s 10 minutes or half an hour to be as angry as you want. Of course do this without witnesses. You don’t need your work associate to call the police because you threatened to burn his house down while ranting to yourself in the bathroom mirror. Don’t give yourself more than an hour to do this and if you have to be angry the next day about it, only do it for an allotted amount of time too. Maybe it’s first thing in the morning before work or right after dinner.
- Once that is done. (After the first time.) Do something good for yourself. Take a bath, buy some new music, go for a walk, play a game, go out for dinner or get yourself a yummy smoothie. It’s easy to get into a mindset of hurt and pain. It’s a natural response and I don’t want you to shut yourself down. The trouble is when you start believing you deserve that treatment (which can happen). We are human and some of us are just quick to put ourselves down. So do something nice for yourself to balance out those emotions.
- If and when you find yourself in a place of pain (usually before the anger but can sneak up on you later in the process) instead of questioning yourself start asking, “Has this person recently lost a love one, their job, possibly going through a breakup and may be lashing out as a distraction?” Clearly you didn’t run over the person’s cat so there is no reason for the hostility. This puts you in a place to forgive them, which helps you to move on. And having empathy for their situation makes it a lot less about us if we are still struggling with that thought.
- Lastly, do something GREAT. If you are like me than naturally when someone tells you that you are not good enough or that you can’t do something, you’re going to do it anyways. If you are not, dive yourself into a place of curiously. Be open to learn all that you can in your hobby, career or relationship because this is where you’re going to start setting life changing goals.
I made it a thing of mine that each time I received a negative response or “hate mail” I would use that as motivation to accomplish 3 small goals or 1 big one.
“But Kilma, I am still dealing with the ANGER!”
There is this fantastic journaling technique that works well for anger management. You start off completely unfiltered in your writing. Don’t worry it’s supposed to sound quite unreasonable. You re-write this “open letter” to whomever you are angry at a few times. Eventually the letter reads more clearly and you’ll notice yourself start to feel calmer about the situation. NOTE: You don’t actually ever send it. It’s just for you however…
Let’s refocus with Kilma. I took it one step further this year due to some interesting events. I turned my anger into thought provoking conversation about relevant issues with unorthodox views and solutions. I wrote one article about the “Paris Hilton DJs” of the world because I was sick and tired of hearing DJs complaining about artists that weren’t even their competition. It started to feel like maybe it was their excuse not to try any harder and wanted to find out more. After hearing the 100th accusation that girl DJs have it “easy” and the many ridiculous double standards I wrote all about “Sex Appeal” and Branding. I wanted to empower Women and educate the Men whiling putting those misconceptions to bed. The responses blew me away. I found a medium that worked for me and attracted other like minded people that in turn I ended up working with. These people inspire me and I feel like I’m creating this whole new family of people with the sort of drive I strive for. This article in particular was motivation by you guessed it… What I thought was 15 different people in a span of 4 years, was one guy. A local producer kid, with the world at his feet but his head in his ass. His hate quickly turned into an obsession, fake profiles, breaking into my online accounts and stories of accusation with details that would change each time the story was told. The fake profiles he’d made in a negative light inspired me to show my brand’s authenticity by recording video and writing content that would showcase just what the brand is about.
Here is the coolest thing, because I started writing about myself, my thoughts, opinions and advice debunked the fake profiles. For once people heard me for the person I always have been and not just the DJ mixes shared. I found a new passion. Writing. Putting yourself out there can be scary and people are going to judge you. There is no doubt about that. But you have to let the rest go. The only way you can regain that power is to continue on in a positive and inspiring way. What I am saying is that, regardless of the people that go out of their way to try to make our lives as miserable as theirs, is that you can not only rise above but empower yourself with these “hidden” bits of motivation they freely supply you with.
Do you have a “hater” story? How did you turn it into a positive? Do you think your friends would find this article helpful? Please share the love and definitely let us know what you think in the comments How to stop being a hater. Free gift for you, the lastest Soffiare mix by Kilma